Regular or Double Double??

I was at the dog park the other day (where the usual suspects gather to allow their pets to socialize and relieve themselves and the indentured owners huddle behind a shed to hide from the biting wind) when the conversation inevitably turned to POOP.

This reminded me of an incident a couple of decades ago when an ex-girlfriend's grandmother asked me, "are you regular?"... I said... "why yes... yes I am." Boy was I wrong.... I have been informed by a reliable resource (a dog owner) that the "average" person has three to four bowel movements (haha... it's not just moving... it's leaving) per day.... each one "should" be the length of the person's forearm and the width of a twoonie. I'm sorry... but I don't see how this is either "regular" or "average"... by my calculation these people must be on the can for most of the day.

This may not have been news to you "regular" viewers.... but this was news to me. You see, I have long been a subscriber of the SLOBM school of thought. Sudden Loss Of Body Mass. This normally occurs once, maybe twice daily and is both efficient and most satisfying. Most can be rendered on a standard legal sized paper (8.5" x 14"). TMI?

If timed correctly, said SLOBM could occur during business hours, and in effect you could be getting "paid" to poop. Granted, the office is not the most desireable place to have a "movement", but given the economic benefit of such an arrangement (do the math), it could be quite lucrative. Not that you really have a choice - as it seems to rear it's ugly turtle-head at the most inopportune times - typically without advanced warning. You could try to influence the effluence by using a popular administrative laxative like caffeine.

This is an awkward topic as poo has been "taboo" for most people since childhood. I say pooey!! Reclaim your inner crapulence (notice I did not say flatulence)!! This deserves healthy discussion between consenting adults... it should be given the same importance as breathing. heck if you stop doing it... you'll die.

Not convinced? Potty references have been clandestinely leeching into our daily lexicon, most likely deftly created and planted by those that share my views on "sharing views" on the subject, secretly hoping to stimulate debate. Sports terms like "Super Bowl" and "Royal Flush", food terms like "Brownies", "Turtles", "Foot Longs" and "Banana Loaf", pets like "Shih-tzus" and "Cockapoos", alternative musical bands like "The Bendy Monsters", the "Bloody Stools", and "Poop Shovel", and even the humble "Blog" pay homage to the almighty poo.

As distasteful a subject as it is.... without knowing it, you are already fascinated with it... you "don't give a....", you often use it as a known reference; as in "I feel like...", "You look like...", "That smells like...", "This tastes like..." (like you know?) You even say music sounds like "it"... what does "it" sound like anyway? Sometimes you scream it out when you've just remembered something you've forgotten! You obviously think it has intrinsic value since you want to kick it out of people you dislike.

Resistance is futile, you are knee deep in it, whether you give it or not.

Please remember to wash your hands.

TT