Regular or Double Double??

I was at the dog park the other day (where the usual suspects gather to allow their pets to socialize and relieve themselves and the indentured owners huddle behind a shed to hide from the biting wind) when the conversation inevitably turned to POOP.

This reminded me of an incident a couple of decades ago when an ex-girlfriend's grandmother asked me, "are you regular?"... I said... "why yes... yes I am." Boy was I wrong.... I have been informed by a reliable resource (a dog owner) that the "average" person has three to four bowel movements (haha... it's not just moving... it's leaving) per day.... each one "should" be the length of the person's forearm and the width of a twoonie. I'm sorry... but I don't see how this is either "regular" or "average"... by my calculation these people must be on the can for most of the day.

This may not have been news to you "regular" viewers.... but this was news to me. You see, I have long been a subscriber of the SLOBM school of thought. Sudden Loss Of Body Mass. This normally occurs once, maybe twice daily and is both efficient and most satisfying. Most can be rendered on a standard legal sized paper (8.5" x 14"). TMI?

If timed correctly, said SLOBM could occur during business hours, and in effect you could be getting "paid" to poop. Granted, the office is not the most desireable place to have a "movement", but given the economic benefit of such an arrangement (do the math), it could be quite lucrative. Not that you really have a choice - as it seems to rear it's ugly turtle-head at the most inopportune times - typically without advanced warning. You could try to influence the effluence by using a popular administrative laxative like caffeine.

This is an awkward topic as poo has been "taboo" for most people since childhood. I say pooey!! Reclaim your inner crapulence (notice I did not say flatulence)!! This deserves healthy discussion between consenting adults... it should be given the same importance as breathing. heck if you stop doing it... you'll die.

Not convinced? Potty references have been clandestinely leeching into our daily lexicon, most likely deftly created and planted by those that share my views on "sharing views" on the subject, secretly hoping to stimulate debate. Sports terms like "Super Bowl" and "Royal Flush", food terms like "Brownies", "Turtles", "Foot Longs" and "Banana Loaf", pets like "Shih-tzus" and "Cockapoos", alternative musical bands like "The Bendy Monsters", the "Bloody Stools", and "Poop Shovel", and even the humble "Blog" pay homage to the almighty poo.

As distasteful a subject as it is.... without knowing it, you are already fascinated with it... you "don't give a....", you often use it as a known reference; as in "I feel like...", "You look like...", "That smells like...", "This tastes like..." (like you know?) You even say music sounds like "it"... what does "it" sound like anyway? Sometimes you scream it out when you've just remembered something you've forgotten! You obviously think it has intrinsic value since you want to kick it out of people you dislike.

Resistance is futile, you are knee deep in it, whether you give it or not.

Please remember to wash your hands.

TT

Best of the Best?

In addition to my previous rant:

Congratulations.... you won the GOLD... you are the BEST out of the 38 Olympians that showed up to represent the 183 idiots WORLDWIDE that do (insert trivial sport category here). BIG FREAKING DEAL. This gives new meaning to "What do you want? A freaking medal?"

AT A MINIMUM...... the Olympics should demand the following three very simple criteria be met before it accepts or renews a sport in the Olympics:

1. There must be at least 1 million regular participants worldwide. There are six and ahalf Billion people in the world... if you can't get 1/6500 of them to do something... it ain't worth doing or watching.

2. There must be at least 10,000 regular participants in each of at least 20 countries. C'mon... otherwise the Americans would jam "Cheerleading", "Slam Ball" and "NASCAR" into the Olympics. hoo-rah.

3. There must be "grassroots" competitive leagues for the sport (i.e. house league, and civic teams) The reason for this is to stop the insanity with "I'm on the National Team"... when there isn't even a Provincial or City team or system.

Simple.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank and congratulate our Canadian Olympians who persevered without adequate funding to pursue an obscure activity so that they would have a better chance of "medalling" due to the low global paticipation rate.... so that WE the lazy couch-potato channel-surfing masses can wallow and "share" in their success. Shame on you, shame on me, shame on us all.

I'm not here to make friends.... I have too many as it is.

TT

Dick's Blast Hits Man in Face

You have got to be kidding me.... the humour writes itself.

What is in a name anyway? There are a lot of Dicks in the world - but only one can shoot a man in the face and not end up in Jail (at least overnight). Congratulations Mr. Cheney... it's you. That being said... once in jail... nevermind.

You are in good company, other notable American Dicks....

Dick Clark - a man who's sole job is to entertain us... hehe... I made you say "anus"

Dick Butkus - pronounced "Butt Kiss" no, not a corporate ladder climbing suck-ass... but rather an American Football Hero who played for the Bears... remember Football has given us terms like "Tight Ends" and "Unnecessary Roughness". I wonder if Bob Griese - pronounced "Greasy" is considered a worse Football name?

Dick Armey - no, not an epic gay porn title... but better known for being the former House Majority Leader and an Economist. If a Dick is an Economist.... and I am an Economist... does it make me a Dick?

Dick Button - a figure skater, 5-time world champion (1948-52); 2-time Olympic champ (1948,52) When introduced last name first... he becomes Button Dick.

Dick Fosbury - Olympic champion and sports innovator. He revolutionized the high-jump with the self- named "Fosbury Flop".... lets just be thankful that he didn't name it the "Dick Flop".

Let's not forget the Canadian Dicks:

Dick Pound - I'm not making this up... he's the Chancellor at McGill, Chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency (not the dopey names of the world agency), and a member of the International Olympic Committee.

Dick Fagg (no shit) - okay... he's not famous... but he was my friend's dad. If I were him... I'd go with Richard... and maybe change the last name to something like Smith. Oh... that wouldn't have worked... because my friend named Richard Smith already lived next door to Mr. Fagg... sorry Dick.

Another "Dick" related name:

Randy Johnson - pitcher.... I guess with a name like this you can't be a catcher.

Okay... I'm done....g'nite.

Faster, Higher, Stronger

As we decend into another Winter Olympiad... I would like to draw your attention to some activities that are posing as sports. Don't get me wrong, some of the things these so-called atheletes do take skill, practice and training (and the ability to wear lycra), some of the things are aesthetic and awe inspiring, and almost all of the things I wouldn't dare try. However, In MY HUMBLE OPINION... just because there is a competition - doesn't make it a sport. (the same way Jeopardy is not a sport for finely tuned brains). hmmmmm

The original Games were based on the motto: Faster, Higher, Stronger. The reason for this was to reward people who were the BEST at something. This could only be determined by MEASUREMENT that was NOT SUBJECTIVE (i.e. artistic impression) The Modern Games were designed to INCLUDE all nations without discrimination so that all can compete equally and fairly. Certain events surely do not live up to this.

Surely with this simple criteria in mind we can delete some activities from the schedule.

Gymnastics - MENS - tumbling is for the circus. I concede men's gymnastics involves feats of unbelievable strength, flexibility and agility... however there is no way to measure which one was "better". At best... it is subjective, at worst... it involves men in tights. Please don't encourage this activity. The only way to lend credibility to this activity is to make it "measureable". Have them complete certain compulsory moves in the shortest time possible... or measure the height and distances of their flips. Wait a sec... they already have that... it's called TRACK and FIELD.

Gymnastics - WOMENS - first of all, since there are no women competing in this activity... re-name to GIRL's Gymnastics. Ban make-up - after all they are only children. As a sentimental favourite, it would be hard to remove this activity entirely, so make it part of the opening and closing ceremonies and have the audience judge by a round of applause. If you want to see something super impressive... check out the Chinese Circus or Cirque du Soleil.

Syncro Anything - Swimming, Diving, Skating... whatever. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why anyone would give a flying flag about "syncronicity".... These useless activities were added to leverage special use facilities and give participants additional chances to win Olympic hardware. Woooo they did it at the very same moment... big freaking deal. You want synchronicity? Watch a flock of birds, a school of fish or a heard of stampeding wildebeest.

Anything with a Gun - skeet, trap, whatever... including the strangest of winter events... the biathalon. Ski - shoot - ski - shoot - ski - shoot - stupid. Is it hard to do? Absolutely!!! but then again... so is strangling a lion with your bare hands... get the point? The only gun at the Games should be the starter's pistol.

Anything with Music - Wow... music transcends almost all useless Olympic activities, AND it will cover off Cheerleading in case the Americans try to jam it in as a demonstration sport.

Figure Skating - For the record, I am not homophobic.... but c'mon. Is it hard to do? yup. Is it
nice to watch? sure. Are they well-trained? fit? disciplined? yup. Is it a sport? not on your life. Figure Skating is a spectacle, an exhibition, a demonstration.... not a competition. If they insist on keeping it in, the winner should get a Blue Ribbon for Best in Show... not a gold medal.

Anything You Didn't Have in High School - Did you have Roller Derby in High School? No. That is why it is not in the Olympics.

Anything where you TAKE TURNS scoring - this covers off the irksome and "useless" activity - Baseball, and sadly it takes Cricket along with it.

Anything that requires SPECIAL TEAMS - therefore keep American Football out. How can these competitors be considered atheletes when they spend half the time on the bench drinking Gatorde. A quarter of the time the "Special Teams" personnel are on the field, and there are players who dish out hits but don't get hit themselves? Sounds unfair to me.

Anything where you don't break a sweat - oops... there goes Curling, Baseball, and maybe even American Football (depending on your position).

Anything that is a Derivative Sport - i.e. 2-man luge. Nothing wrong with 1-man luge... why do you need a 2-man luge event?? Beach Volleyball - again... nothing wrong with normal Court Volleyball. What's next? Snow Volleyball??

Team awards where team members were competing with each other earlier - Gymnastics does this. This is just another way of saying... hey... we got a bunch of extra medals here... let's make-up more events up to give them away. Swimming does it with the medley.

Anything where a competitor would feel compelled to wear make-up. Hmmm, that covers, Synchro, Gymnastics, Figure Skating, American Football, Baseball, and Curling. I see a pattern.

Anything that requires facilities you wouldn't find in a NORMAL city. This is where we lose most of the Winter Olympic events - all of which seem to discriminate against countires in warmer climates. Long-track speed skating - gone, Short-track speed skating - gone, curling - gone. All Skiing events....- GONE. All luge, bobsled and skeleton - GONE.

Anything that requires expensive equipment - Expensive sports discriminate against poorer competitors and poorer nations. Yachting must be removed. Equestrian events must be removed... by the way... who is really doing the work... I say the horse.

Don't get me wrong, these activities have merit. Just because there is a race, doesn't make it a sport... i.e. chicken wing eating contests. Just because there is a winner, doesn't make it a sport... i.e. beauty pagents.

This leaves; weight-lifting, wrestling, track, fencing, the raquet sports (tennis, badminton, squash and raquetball) boxing, swimming (non-synchro), road cycling, soccer, archery and the marathon (sorry speed walkers... you are a derivative); and in the winter: hockey and cross-country skiing.


As a final thought.... here are some sports that should be added:

Snowball fighting - this is truly a competitive winter sport. It takes skill, both to make and throw the snowballs, and also to dodge incoming snowballs. Dreaded derivative sports based on snowball fighting could include: rapid snowballing, throwing for distance, and throwing for accuracy. It could be combined with the Giant Slalom to create some sort of downhill bi-athalon.

Barrel Jumping - it is the ice-version of the long jump, it is measureable, requires technique, and can be done without music, make-up, expensive equipment or facilities. Purists may disagree, citing it is a derivative of both the long jump and the hurdles. /

Rugby - unlike American Football, it is played around the world by atheletes that don't take turns on the field, wear padding, or rely on special teams. They do not require expensive equipment nor do they need 14 referees, cheerleaders and mascots to keep people interested.

Think about it.