Blogging is Dead

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W to the T to the F?

Hello,

Ever since I got hooked on phonics... I thought spelling was a no-brainer. Wrong again.

Assume you are a pop music "artist" and you are as dumb as a fricking brick. Why the hell would you try to "show off" by spelling out words in your song? What possible point are you proving? That you spell at a fifth grade level?

Case in point, Fergy in her mildly amusing self-titled song (a form of ego masturbation), has the word "tasty" spelled out in the following way:

"T to the A to the S T E Y girl you tasty, T to the A to the S T E Y girl you tasty"

This is nothing less than malicious. Nevermind the obvious issue with pumping the "Fergy is tasty" message to children via public broadcast. The less obvious but equally destructive issue of de/re programming people's notion of the correct spelling of "tasty" is the real problem.

Sadly, a teacher has but a few chances to teach the correct way to spell a word... whereas pop music bombards students unrelentlessly for a month or so... then subsides to the occassional reminder.

Don't get me wrong... there are all kinds of poetic license... including making up words (fershizzle), but knowingly (giving her the benefit of the doubt) spelling a word incorrectly so that it poisons the minds of children is inexcusable.

It's bad enough supposed "artists" (and I use the term very loosely) have gotten so lazy that they don't sing anymore... they just talk, grunt and make "mmmmmmm" sounds. yo yo yo.

Want to fight back but don't know how? No problem.

Can't find the right word? No problem... make up your own words... fershizzle in the hizzy.

No musical talent? No problem... get your producer to rip off classics and proven rifs - no one expects you to play an instrument AND sing... that's for musicians...not performance "artists".

Can't dance? No problem... sit on a car you don't own and bob your head.

Ugly? No problem... put platinum and diamonds on your teeth to distract from your face.

Can't spell? see above.


TT

Barrier Free - not the way to be

This post is really about our dear friend... the 4" thick yellow line that separates oncoming traffic from smashing into us head on. To increase safety the line is sometimes doubled.

It hardly seems fair that we expect so much from a strip of paint... but we do.

On major highways, oncoming traffic is sometimes physically separated from us and our precious cargo by concrete barriers or large swaths of grass and ditches. These physical barriers have evolved in design over the years to reduce truck rollovers and protect YOU from accidental harm.

But sadly, in most cases, roads are simply divided by paint.

I'm not the first to notice the failings of paint. On poorly lit highways or in inclement weather our little 4" friend is hardly visible. This probably spawned a number of "quick fixes"; most notably the "cat's eye" reflector road inserts more commonly found in the Southern states that do not suffer the indignity of having snow removal machines chew up the reflectors annually. Another quick fix is a Canadian invention... the rumble strip. The rumble strip is harder to notice unless you've just dozed off.... then it's easy to find.

But I digress.... back to the paint.

There are ONLY two colours of paint: yellow and white.

THEORETICALLY yellow lines keeps traffic in opposite directions apart, and white lines keeps traffic going in the same direction apart. In reality, they keep nothing apart.

To add to the ineffectiveness there are conditions that exist that in essence make the line "optional".

If the line is SOLID you shouldn't drive over it, but when the line is BROKEN you are free to change lanes or overtake at your discretion... in other words... they become merely "guidelines".

The effectiveness of paint as a barrier is based on the assumption that all persons driving on the road have a desire for self-preservation. When you are travelling 80km/hr, and there is only a 4" strip of paint keeping you from plowing into another car at a combined 160km/hr, it's a hell of an assumption to bet your life on.

I'm not saying there are suicidal or intentionally crazy people cruising the roads - although statistically there are probably 1000's out there at any point in time. I am more concerned by the other factors which make a strip of paint even more useless than it already is.

Things like: poor visibility of the line (due to poor street lighting, blind corners, fog, snow, wear), indifference to the line (due to impatience, carelessness), inability to obey the line (due to loss of control, inebriation)

If any of the above occur... you are in dire straits if you are relying on paint to keep you from drifting into oncoming traffic (or having oncoming traffic drift into you).

Down with paint. Up with barriers.

I love Japanese food

Like every good horror movie... "I'm baaaaack".

Thanks to all of you who have inspired me by giving me grief about not updating my blog.

To you I say... GET A LIFE. hahaha... just kidding... without you... I have no audience. :)

So... Thanksgiving is about turkey....NOT. I had a kick-ass Thanksgiving with my wife and folks last night at a restaurant called TEN-ICHI on Sheppard Ave.

We were crack heads for not getting reservations on Thanksgiving Sunday... so we paid dearly by waiting an hour for a table. It was worth the wait.

READ MY LIPS: All you can eat Teppanyaki for around $24. This comes complete with all the pomp and circumstance of any fancy shmancy Teppanyaki establishment. The chefs have serious cooking kung fu and the food they prepare before your eyes is aesthetically flawless. The "All You Can Eat" is really ALL YOU CAN EAT, and it includes all the traditional elements...
miso soup, salads, edamame, all types of sushi and sashimi, tempura shrimps et al, steaks, grilled shrimps, and deserts. I had 5 pieces of salmon sashimi for desert.

Ten Ichi gets a raging 5 out of 5 and I can't wait to go again.

Tim

When is a Whore not a Whore?

PROFANITY - R.I.P.

Once upon a time... many many years ago (when I was a kid) there were "swear/curse" words and "taboo" words. We dare not say them in front of adults... and even used them sparingly amongst ourselves (they were best saved for special occassions for the best impact). Heck... even saying "JC" met with stares and shhhs from adults.

Sadly, I have recently realized the "commoditization" of profanity has all but removed the meaning and impact. Fershizzle.

I blame us... the wannabes... as we have been cheating for many years... f**k was frig, s**t was shoot, damn was darn, hell was heck. Shoot, it was only natural that bitch become beyotch and whore become ho. Natural as heck I say. I use the "soft" swear words in the office... you do too... so frig yourself.

Nowadays it is nothing to hear a mother say "shut the hell up" to her kid in the grocery store, or to hear a kid say "f**k" when missing the bus.

Rap music is rife with the once taboo n-bomb and pretty much every other old school profanity. You'd be hard pressed to find a rap song on the radio without some form of swearing. Why? Rappers aren't stupid... they know this sh*t sells... so what do they do.... put more in and let the beeping tell the story. In fact, "beeping" has become as much a part of the song as the legit lyrics (assuming there are some). For example "I put my jimmy in her "beep" and she liked it so... I dragged the bitch to my crib and we "beep" some mo'" Heck I should write .

Strangely, the F word IS allowed on television... but the close cousin MF is not. Next time you are watching a movie on network television... listen closely to the beep. They beep the "mutha" but not the "f**ker". Hmmmm someone has a closet Oedipus complex. Thanks to my wife for this observation.

When is a whore not a whore? When she's a "ho"... and my bitch ain't no ho.

Peace.

TT

Random Thoughts by TT

1. There is hard core and soft core... is there just "core"? What does it look like? Natalie Portman?
   
2. I have a bottle of Laker Premium Lager in front of me... it says "Made with All Natural Spring Water"... is there "un"natural spring water? Why would I care? I eat Oreos... and there ain't a damn thing natural about that... why all of a sudden would I be "concerned" about the origins of my alcoholic beverage? At a "Buck a Beer" it's cheaper than Evian... maybe Laker should have sold bottles ot the "All Natural Spring Water" instead... the margins would be better.
   
3. On the topic of booze - what's up with "PROOF". Proof of what? do they think by doubling the alcohol content percentage and calling it "proof" they are somehow making the drink seem more dangerous or more potent? Hmmm what would I rather have... a bottle of Crown that is a mere 40% or a bottle that is EIGHTY PROOF!!! I think the answer is obvious.
4. Scientology? why bother hatching a new religion... especially now? Bottom line... all religions were created to influence other people's behaviour - mostly for the better... so I won't knock them for that. They all have some kind of Santa/boogey man that reward you if you are good and kick your ass if you are bad (either by sending you to hell, or by giving you bad karma). Religion was created to control the masses... but like Star Trek... there are people that take it waaaay too far. Then nations were born and governments used armys and police to keep the peace... then came the laws and jails. Thou Shalt Not Kill - you'll go to hell... AND you'll go to jail. Thou Shalt Not Steal - you'll go to hell... AND you'll go to jail. Hmmm seems like the Department of Redundancy Department had a hand in this.... so something has to go. But which one? Discuss.
   
5. Next, we'll meet a girl from Wisconsin, she's hiding a banana - we'll find out where... stay tuned.
   

TT



*This post will be updated periodically or as I am so inspired.

75mg of ANTigen B67…. STAT!

You’re not sick. In fact, you’re not even tired…. yet somehow you know you aren’t 100%. You feel fine. We all do. Then one day you are reaching for something familiar and you realize it feels much heavier than you remember. What the heck?

What you are suffering from is commonly referred to as degenerative muscle fatigue or DMF…. And normally it only gets worse… then you die. But thanks to four bio-protein research geneticists at the Munich Institute for Advanced Medical Studies you needn’t suffer much longer.

They have isolated a unique protein found in almost all variants of ant species that is specifically responsible for their enhanced muscle performance, flexibility (even though we don’t think of ants as flexible), responsiveness, and most importantly re-generation.

The secret isn’t in the protein itself, but rather in the (simple) processing technique that allows it to be metabolized by humans. In controlled doses, the average adult (regardless of gender) can realize a 30% or greater increase in strength and flexibility by following a simple exercise routine - in just three weeks.

Prolonged use (4-6 months) of the supplement by control subjects have yielded sustained strength and flexibility improvements with no observable side-effects except for… get this… weight loss AND youthful looks. It’s true - ANTigen B67 actually REVERSES the ravages of time by stimulating new tissue growth resulting in healthier and firmer skin. You will look and feel years younger.

Is this a miracle drug? NO… it is not. Why? Because it is all-natural, it qualifies as a food supplement – in fact there aren’t even preservatives in the final product (unnecessary due to the natural probiotic binding agent).

Empirical research has shown that with a 84% success rate (some persons with a genetic pre-disposition can cause the protein to be digested instead of synthesized – harmless but lacking the desired result) this is one of the most effective means of rejuvenating tired muscles quickly and safely.

ANTigen B67 comes in a powder form – not unlike current protein supplements and strangely enough naturally tastes like anise.

Check the shelves at your local GNC or whole food store starting in early May.

Regards,

TT

P.S. If you belive me...I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you’ve tried these other excellent products:

1. Pro-biotic supplements (originally selling for hundreds of dollars) – sellers managed to fleece tons of cat food eating senior citizens for something that occurs naturally in yogurt – assholes.

2. All Bran Buds – did you ever wonder why All Bran Buds are the ONLY cereal containing psyllium fibre?? It’s because THEY MADE THAT SHIT UP… the same way I made up ANTigen B67 (the 67 is my year of birth) Psyllium sounds more like an Element on the Periodic Table anyway.

3. Echinacea anything. Please – there is no cure for the common cold… get over it… buy a tea.

4. Ginseng anything – remember when farmers were thinking of ripping out perfectly good crops to grow this? Where are they now? Probably planting truffles.

5. Green Tea – if you want tea… drink it… don’t give me some crap of how healthy it is compared to good old Tetley. Bloody communists.

6. Anything “Dr. Mom approved” – what the hell does she know anyway? And where did she get her degree?

7. Low-carb bread – 40% less carbs because the slices are 40% thinner… big deal. Let them eat cake.

8. Anything featuring Honey – c’mon… this came out of a bee’s ass.

9. Atkins approved items – the fat bastard died of a heart attack… what does that tell you?

10. Meal Supplements – If I wanted a chocolate shake I’d have gone to Dairy Queen. When they get T-bone steak and sautéed mushrooms in a can… I’ll reconsider. No wonder people lose weight… 3 cans of slop.

11. Low-fat anything since you need three times as much to taste anything you end up eating more anyway. Ever hear “use cream cheese instead of butter because it’s less fatty” Anyone who has ever seen a cream cheese bagel knows if that was butter you’d be dead on a pile of losing roll up to win cups.

12. Ivory – do you need moisturizing cream in your bath soap? Are you dirty or dry? Figure it out first… buy product second. Oh wait… remember it’s 99 94/100ths oil free… well that’s good to know… I was going to try and fry an egg in it.

13. Aloe Vera laced tissues – for when you have 3^rd degree burns on your nose. As for bathroom tissues as soft as kittens… when was the last time you wiped kitty across your poop smeared buttocks? I can’t remember either.

14. Jojoba Oil – was this the shampoo thing? Or a car additive?

15. Orange based cleansers – unleashed the cleaning power of oranges lately?

16. Beer in your Shampoo – again… dirty? or thirsty? Figure it out.

17. It’s not too long ago we were making fun of the idea of the 8 bladed razor… the OCTOPLUS by Gillette…. Sadly a marketer will probably make us crave it by year end. It doesn’t just shave beneath the skin… it transcends the skin and removed a layer of your soul. Shhh – it was my idea, here come the four horsemen with my ride.

Thanks in advance

Business writing can be difficult if you are normally a polite person. If you are not... don't bother reading on... you are an ass and probably haven't the need to ponder this.

Often many requests for action need to be made... however the limited number of synonyms for "please" makes it difficult to be polite and not be repetitive. Fortunately, one word bails me out... the word is "kindly". Kindly see it in action here:

PLEASE find the enclosed surgical needle provided for your convenience. KINDLY insert it into your eye until blindness is guaranteed.

This is where I am stumped.

What happens when you have a third sentence requiring polite instructions be given? Do you re-use the "please"? re-use the "kindly"? or is there a third word? or even a fourth word? or maybe a phrase like "thanks in advance"?

Hmmmm.

Please ponder this business writing dilemma.
Kindly provide your findings via a comment to this post.
Thanks in advance for your swift attention to this request.

Regards,

TT Rants